This year is gonna be my year. Thats about it.
9:00pm
9/1/2017
congratulations you survived!
its my graduation day soon in november, and i just done getting tickets for mama bapa and adik to come with me on that day.
5 years and a half. all the tears, sweat and blood i shed in those 5 years time, i can still vividly remember. being away from the family, crushing myself over so many things and situations yet still standing and surviving strong just in time before i totally lost it all, those will be the most important details of my life. it was in the duration of time, where i learned about life the most. it was in those period of times, where i learned how to become so weak yet so strong. how to deal with life. how to win over life. how to live the life.
i didn't make it to a perfect ending, but i made it anyway. i survived the 5 years and a half strongly even with all the bruises inside and out. and because of that, i know exactly just how strong i can be no matter what life is about to bring to me.
now that i'm standing where i am at the moment, id like to remind myself, that i need not to waste my time to explain to everyone about my struggles and what i had gone through in those bittersweet 5 years and a half time. my story need not to make it into the competition of who had gone through worse in life. just me knowing what i had gone through and how strong i had been all these while even without them knowing, is enough. i know exactly how to celebrate myself. i know exactly how much i've done, and how much acknowledgement i should give to myself.
me being happy for myself is more than enough. and i honestly can't be any prouder of myself, for all the times i've survived and all the accomplishments i've accomplished. im doing well with life so far, and way further intended, i hope.
congratulations nurul, you survived!
11:39pm
30/08/2016
...
i really miss talking to you. sometimes the feeling gets worse and it gets me teared up even when i refuse to cry. it doesn't work you know, getting myself busy and trying to fit everything in my schedule in a day just to get rid of the thought about you all the time. sad that it doesn't work. it doesn't work at all. you keep coming back in my thoughts at the end of the day when im physically and mentally drained after a long day of being busy, trying to get you off of my mind. and it gets even tiring sometimes. the worst part is that i cant tell anybody about how much i miss talking to you because nobody will ever understand. i cant just tell some random people about how much im struggling at the moment trying to be okay about the fact that you're no longer here to listen to me. i have so many things that i want to tell you about how my days have been and how much im hurting about so many things these past few months. i want to tell you every details of it, and above all, i want to tell you how much i long for you every time i cant seem to hold everything in any longer. and that i always ended up sad, because i cant ever seem to reach you anymore..
no, im not done with being strong yet, but im also yet to be done with missing your presence in my life.
And that is, by far, the most pathetic truth i have ever find out about myself.
11:14pm
23/8/2016
TIADA TAJUK.
im hurt too.
being shoved down my throat everytime about how much i have done wrong by making other people upset, it hurts me too. it hurts me that nobody is aware about how much im struggling too. to always be told that im the one that should say sorry hurts me too. its as if what im feeling is nothing compared to how upset people are because of me.
im struggling too. im tired. and at the end of the day, everybody has somebody to run to and to tell about how much ive done bad. while im just here, sitting alone. trying to find other words than sorry to apologize. eating up my own sadness and depression, having nobody to talk to.
ive said sorry, over and over again, to everybody. not once my sorry has ever seem to be valued. i guess i will always be the one pointed by any finger about everything that had gone wrong. everything will always be my mistakes. either because i have done it, or because i have not done it. it will always be my mistake.
i will always be the bad girl who is always making other people sad and upset. i will always be the one who should say sorry. i will always be in the wrong side of the world no matter what. because everybody else in the world matter. they are all important and valuable,
except me.
11:52pm
11/7/2016
manusia
kita ingat jahat orang buat pada kita
kita lupa jahat kita buat pada orang.
#klise
12:29am
10/7/2016
kita lupa jahat kita buat pada orang.
#klise
12:29am
10/7/2016
untitled
theres something beautiful about loving you in silence
i hear no rejection, at all.
12:02am
18/6/2016
i hear no rejection, at all.
12:02am
18/6/2016
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