i walked out of the class feeling defeated today. i got upset with a little boy. i got mad at him for not wanting to do the task i gave him. he didn't talk back to me. so i asked him to do the work. minutes after, he came back to me asking for the answer. i got even angrier. on another note, i was already pissed before i entered the class because most of my students didn't passed the linus reading test. i was already miserable by then. and then things keep happening. the boy came to me and he told me that he can't find the answer because he can't read. i asked him to spell the word 'makanan' by the syllables. he can't even do that. and then another girl came. asking for the answers too. i could feel my head was about to blow up. the girl can't read too. she can't find the answer even after i told her to look for the same words in the passage to find for the answer. she can't do that too. i was heartbroken. its like the whole situation was telling me that i have not been doing my work right for the last two months since i started teaching.
i can't blame the kids. i know they wanted to do that right. i know they wanted to answer the questions right. i know they wanted to read all the things in that linus test right. i know they would if they could.
but they couldn't. they just could not. they could not read. they still can't read. i got mad at myself for not going all out in teaching them. i got mad i just let all the teaching ideas stuck in my brain. i got mad thinking about how sometimes i couldn't find the time to check their work to look into what they did wrong. i got mad i didn't do my work properly. and now i feel bad for them about not getting the lessons they deserve to have. i was caught up with too many distractions from the things that i am supposed to focus on the most. i realized today i am not teaching the kids well. i can't get them to read. i can't even get them to know their syllables.
what an eye-opening day. i got sad and upset and i feel defeated by all these feelings that i've been struggling on fighting all these while. it has totally caught me up. all i can do now is to wish that i can redeem all the time wasted for not getting the kids to learn their syllables all these while.
i just want the kids to be able to read. i won't ask for more..
11.12am
1/4/2016
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