This year is gonna be my year. Thats about it.
9:00pm
9/1/2017
congratulations you survived!
its my graduation day soon in november, and i just done getting tickets for mama bapa and adik to come with me on that day.
5 years and a half. all the tears, sweat and blood i shed in those 5 years time, i can still vividly remember. being away from the family, crushing myself over so many things and situations yet still standing and surviving strong just in time before i totally lost it all, those will be the most important details of my life. it was in the duration of time, where i learned about life the most. it was in those period of times, where i learned how to become so weak yet so strong. how to deal with life. how to win over life. how to live the life.
i didn't make it to a perfect ending, but i made it anyway. i survived the 5 years and a half strongly even with all the bruises inside and out. and because of that, i know exactly just how strong i can be no matter what life is about to bring to me.
now that i'm standing where i am at the moment, id like to remind myself, that i need not to waste my time to explain to everyone about my struggles and what i had gone through in those bittersweet 5 years and a half time. my story need not to make it into the competition of who had gone through worse in life. just me knowing what i had gone through and how strong i had been all these while even without them knowing, is enough. i know exactly how to celebrate myself. i know exactly how much i've done, and how much acknowledgement i should give to myself.
me being happy for myself is more than enough. and i honestly can't be any prouder of myself, for all the times i've survived and all the accomplishments i've accomplished. im doing well with life so far, and way further intended, i hope.
congratulations nurul, you survived!
11:39pm
30/08/2016
...
i really miss talking to you. sometimes the feeling gets worse and it gets me teared up even when i refuse to cry. it doesn't work you know, getting myself busy and trying to fit everything in my schedule in a day just to get rid of the thought about you all the time. sad that it doesn't work. it doesn't work at all. you keep coming back in my thoughts at the end of the day when im physically and mentally drained after a long day of being busy, trying to get you off of my mind. and it gets even tiring sometimes. the worst part is that i cant tell anybody about how much i miss talking to you because nobody will ever understand. i cant just tell some random people about how much im struggling at the moment trying to be okay about the fact that you're no longer here to listen to me. i have so many things that i want to tell you about how my days have been and how much im hurting about so many things these past few months. i want to tell you every details of it, and above all, i want to tell you how much i long for you every time i cant seem to hold everything in any longer. and that i always ended up sad, because i cant ever seem to reach you anymore..
no, im not done with being strong yet, but im also yet to be done with missing your presence in my life.
And that is, by far, the most pathetic truth i have ever find out about myself.
11:14pm
23/8/2016
TIADA TAJUK.
im hurt too.
being shoved down my throat everytime about how much i have done wrong by making other people upset, it hurts me too. it hurts me that nobody is aware about how much im struggling too. to always be told that im the one that should say sorry hurts me too. its as if what im feeling is nothing compared to how upset people are because of me.
im struggling too. im tired. and at the end of the day, everybody has somebody to run to and to tell about how much ive done bad. while im just here, sitting alone. trying to find other words than sorry to apologize. eating up my own sadness and depression, having nobody to talk to.
ive said sorry, over and over again, to everybody. not once my sorry has ever seem to be valued. i guess i will always be the one pointed by any finger about everything that had gone wrong. everything will always be my mistakes. either because i have done it, or because i have not done it. it will always be my mistake.
i will always be the bad girl who is always making other people sad and upset. i will always be the one who should say sorry. i will always be in the wrong side of the world no matter what. because everybody else in the world matter. they are all important and valuable,
except me.
11:52pm
11/7/2016
manusia
kita ingat jahat orang buat pada kita
kita lupa jahat kita buat pada orang.
#klise
12:29am
10/7/2016
kita lupa jahat kita buat pada orang.
#klise
12:29am
10/7/2016
untitled
theres something beautiful about loving you in silence
i hear no rejection, at all.
12:02am
18/6/2016
i hear no rejection, at all.
12:02am
18/6/2016
ramadhan kareem
i died a million deaths, trying to live a million lives for you - Samantha King.
sayangnya tuhan pada aku, setiap kali aku kematian jiwa, didatangkan pada aku suasana damai bertuhan supaya jiwa aku lebih hidup untuk yang sepatutnya. masih terlalu awal untuk percaya bahagia bukan untuk aku. sesungguhnya sebaik-baik perjalanan adalah aturan tuhan yang maha tahu. matilah berputus harap, kemudian hiduplah semula, buka sayap. terbang dan lihatlah luasnya dunia tempat mencari bahagia.
ramadhan kareem.
semoga ramadhan kali ini membuka mata dan mendewasa aku. semoga sedihnya hati kerana dibenci diubati luasnya pintu rahmat dan nikmatnya kasih sayang tuhan tanpa sempadan. semoga hati kuat untuk bertaubat, semoga terbuka sekalian jalan kembali bertuhan. semoga sudah tengadah dengan segala dosa. semoga semakin baik segala galanya. amin ya allah.
8:22pm
5/6/2016
untitled
Its amazing how much loves and attentions one can still give unconditionally when all they got in return is just hatred and ignorance conditionally.
Love makes you that capable, you know.
26/4/2016
9.15pm
ucap tanpa dengar
buat kamu,
yang ajar aku tahu malu
yang ajar aku apa tak perlu
yang ajar aku bersederhana selalu,
terima kasih atas setiap ajar
dan setiap tanya kabar
terima kasih juga saat beredar
nyata kau ajar satu lagi tentang sabar.
terbanglah dulu sejauh mahu
diam diam di sini aku tunggu.
dan sementara itu
selamat hari lahir buat kamu
ikhlas dari jauhnya aku..
11:47pm
7/4/2016
yang ajar aku tahu malu
yang ajar aku apa tak perlu
yang ajar aku bersederhana selalu,
terima kasih atas setiap ajar
dan setiap tanya kabar
terima kasih juga saat beredar
nyata kau ajar satu lagi tentang sabar.
terbanglah dulu sejauh mahu
diam diam di sini aku tunggu.
dan sementara itu
selamat hari lahir buat kamu
ikhlas dari jauhnya aku..
11:47pm
7/4/2016
cerita cikgu #5
i wanted to cry today.
i walked out of the class feeling defeated today. i got upset with a little boy. i got mad at him for not wanting to do the task i gave him. he didn't talk back to me. so i asked him to do the work. minutes after, he came back to me asking for the answer. i got even angrier. on another note, i was already pissed before i entered the class because most of my students didn't passed the linus reading test. i was already miserable by then. and then things keep happening. the boy came to me and he told me that he can't find the answer because he can't read. i asked him to spell the word 'makanan' by the syllables. he can't even do that. and then another girl came. asking for the answers too. i could feel my head was about to blow up. the girl can't read too. she can't find the answer even after i told her to look for the same words in the passage to find for the answer. she can't do that too. i was heartbroken. its like the whole situation was telling me that i have not been doing my work right for the last two months since i started teaching.
i can't blame the kids. i know they wanted to do that right. i know they wanted to answer the questions right. i know they wanted to read all the things in that linus test right. i know they would if they could.
but they couldn't. they just could not. they could not read. they still can't read. i got mad at myself for not going all out in teaching them. i got mad i just let all the teaching ideas stuck in my brain. i got mad thinking about how sometimes i couldn't find the time to check their work to look into what they did wrong. i got mad i didn't do my work properly. and now i feel bad for them about not getting the lessons they deserve to have. i was caught up with too many distractions from the things that i am supposed to focus on the most. i realized today i am not teaching the kids well. i can't get them to read. i can't even get them to know their syllables.
what an eye-opening day. i got sad and upset and i feel defeated by all these feelings that i've been struggling on fighting all these while. it has totally caught me up. all i can do now is to wish that i can redeem all the time wasted for not getting the kids to learn their syllables all these while.
i just want the kids to be able to read. i won't ask for more..
11.12am
1/4/2016
cerita cikgu #4
one thing about teaching level 1 students is, no matter how bad they can make me mad, i'll always end up melting at the end of the day when they say goodbye to me in the most innocent way as if they have done nothing wrong, ever.
such a smart trick to play with my heart.
8:18pm
30/3/2016
deep inside
pagi tadi sebelum aku dihantar bapa pergi sekolah, mama selit teguran tentang cara aku berpakaian. jangan pakai yang ketat mengikut bentuk tubuh mama kata, sebab nanti bapa yang disoal di hari akhirat kenapa aku tidak sempurna dalam berpakaian.
memang aku tidak sempurna dalam berpakaian, jujur aku akui serendah rendah hati. tudung singkat alakadar menutup apa yang perlu ditutup. baju kadang lebar dan besar, kadang setakat muat dan kadang terlihat lemak belipat. stokin kaki tidak pernah pakai jari kaki telanjang tiada berlapik. sarung tangan apatah lagi. terbuka terselak kadang tidak terkisahkan pun.
bukan aku tiada perasaan nampak wanita seangkatan aku tertutup aurat dengan sempurna. aku pun masih ada rasa bertuhan dan cukup kasih untuk bapa biar tidak terlalu lama dihisab. kalau kira berapa kali skrol ig cari stokin sokha, sarung lengan bergaya, jubah jubah semua..tidak terkira agaknya berapa kali berniat tanpa terlaksana. tapi yang nyata, aku pun ada rasa mahu jadi sebaik baik wanita..
dan aku harap, bila semua jadi keras pada aku yang belum terlihat mahu berubah, biarlah aku bersangka baik dan berlembut pada diri sendiri yang masih melangkah bayi untuk mendekat pada sempurna. biar walapun sedikit, aku tidak mahu penat meraikan sekecil kecil baiknya perubahan pada diri aku.
terima kasih mama dan bapa. jauh manapun aku dari jangkau baiknya seorang wanita, tidak pernah terkurangkan kasih sayang dan doa penuh kebaikan dari mereka untuk aku. percayalah pada setiapnya yang menyentuh hati, semua aku ambil kira dan simpan kemas dalam kepala biar aku ini terlembut hati jadi wanita baik yang tertutup pada setiapnya walaupun masih jauh dan terlalu perlahan ke arah sempurna.
semoga nanti, beberapa masa kehadapan bila aku baca lagi apa yang tercatat pagi ini, aku sudah jauh lebih baik dari hari ini.
01/3/2016
8.26am
hari hari
dalam ratus ratus hari
yang sudah aku lalui sendiri
tidak ada walau sehari
tanpa kamu dalam kepala menari nari
dan tanpa aku tercari cari
cebis cebis disana sini
yang masih buat aku tersenyum sendiri
begitulah hari hari.
27/2/2016
10.32pm
yang sudah aku lalui sendiri
tidak ada walau sehari
tanpa kamu dalam kepala menari nari
dan tanpa aku tercari cari
cebis cebis disana sini
yang masih buat aku tersenyum sendiri
begitulah hari hari.
27/2/2016
10.32pm
cerita cikgu #3
its been a month now.
i think i have better classroom management skill in terms of being a real teacher now. i am now able to call them with their names and that obviously made them want to listen to me better. took me a month to be able to learn all their names except for year 1 as i only get to enter their class thrice a week. i used to remember all sorts of malay names when i was in my practicum days but now that im teaching in sabah and in chinese school, i come across all sort of names from the malay types to the chinese and indians, also dusunese and english names. the longest so far is Nataneialovella, 15 letters in one word name. she's my year 4 student and i always got my tongue twisted everytime i have to call her name and all the other students will have to correct my pronunciation. luckily she's a sweet girl.
i love my work-mates aka the teachers too. the teachers are all being very helpful in terms of sharing tips on how to control some famous naughty kids around the school. we had a great chinese new year too. it was my first time watching the lion dance performance live, right in front of my eyes because the school invited the lion dance team to perform in the school area. i also got invited for the CNY dinner celebration. i guess teaching in the only chinese school in kota marudu makes me feel a little special and lucky because they always make me feel like i'm a part of them. they prepared a special table for us to provide us the halal foods. im well aware that there are probably more things and plot twists to come but so far i think i have the best people around my working and teaching area.
i have started my home-tuition too. im so lucky to have mama and bapa who gave the most support in me doing the things i have always wanted to do. they helped me find space for my little classroom in the house. angah provided me the tables too. i love spending time with the kids. it feels totally different with teaching in school. those who come to my tuition class are the ones who really want to learn. and that makes teaching them is a lot more fun and enjoyable. i found its tiring especially in the first week of doing this. but at the end of the day, im glad that im able to keep myself busy and enjoying the life of teaching to every bits of it while im still young and able.
im trying my best to keep myself busy with works and teaching now. it helps me feel better about myself. in fact, im getting better in trying to feel better about myself now. i hope this will go a long way because i still have quite a distance to go through..
11.38pm
26/2/2016
dalam kepala
kalau lah
isi kepala
seperti cat
boleh dicalit
boleh diabstrak
boleh diconteng
diatas kertas
atau didinding
atau didinding
apa agaknya
rupa bentuk
kucar kacir
serabut serabai
sesarat seberat
entah apa
dalam kepala
saat ini
apa agaknya.
11:05pm
14/2/2016
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