suatu yang pernah

dikutipku bila sudi, di bila tidak dibiar mati.

i got mad because i can't say all these to you

i might be really hurting now but i am somehow feeling relieved and grateful that you choose not to be with me right now.

my life is a total chaos at the moment. i'm constantly getting out of control emotionally. i got mad lots of times. i got mad for being the only one reliable on house chores in the family. i got tired. and i got mad again when people are not being able to understand why i'm exhausted. i am so sick of being expected to do everything all at once. it's hurting me to push myself to the point that i'm no longer able to take care of my own needs for being too busy taking care of others. 

my little brother is going away. i got mad at him because he chose to leave us. i got mad at him for not being a good son. i got mad because after everything bapa and mama gave him, he still chose to behave that way. and my sister too. i got mad because she got everything she wanted so easily. i got mad that she's sick. i got mad because i have to do everything because she's sick. i never got sick when people need my help. why do people have to get sick when i need their help? i got mad because i'm tired and i cannot get tired otherwise nothing would be done in the house and that would mean i would be the one to be mad at. i got mad at how easily people can get mad at me for the simplest reason of not getting some things done. i got mad how nobody ever really cares about how i feel.

i got mad because i'm still fat. i got mad for not being able to stick on any plan i had planned because i need to follow some other plans that was not planned by me. i got mad that i couldn't treat my skin properly. i got mad because my feet cracked. i got mad i couldn't do anything for myself. i got mad because i am so inconsistent to commit something for myself. 

i got mad because i got mad. i got mad at myself because i'm not being grateful for what i have and not willing to sacrifice even just a little. i got mad for being strong. i got mad for making people think i could do everything without getting tired. and then at the end of the day, i got mad again with myself for not being able to do everything that people want me to do perfectly. i got mad over and over again my head hurts.

i hope one day, when i got posted and start working and start making my own money, when i finally have time for myself to think of what i should do and what i want to do, i will eventually put all the pieces of me back together, because now i am feeling so lost and ugly. and no matter how badly i am hoping for you to come back at the moment to listen to my babbling about all the things happening now, i'd like to say thank you for leaving anyway. if you're still here, you might be an addition to the list of my madness too. 

i'll be mad all i want, whenever i want. and that's because i'm tired. because i'm human. and human feels. not because i want some people to vanish from my life. anger is a temporary feeling for me. it never lasts. at the end of the day, i would still want them to rely on me. i would still want my little brother and my little sister to exist and i would still want all the best things in the world for them. i would still pamper myself. i would still  forgive everything after i'm done getting mad. and at the very end of the day, i would still want you to come back to me.

i guess that's just the way i am.

12:00am

13/1/2016

gagah

hari ini
aku belajar satu perkara

tiadalah aku ini selain pemudah cara
memenuhi perlunya manusia lain kepada manusia yang lain
yang jauh lebih berkepentingan
dari setiap apa yang aku perlukan.

aku dahulukan keperluan mereka sedahulunya
aku belakangkan keperluan aku sebelakangnya
lalu pada setiapnya,
aku belajar bersabar sesabarnya.

dan dari satu sudut kejauhan, aku ternampak bayang aku yang gagah.

12:36am
11/1/2016

rindu diam diam

well actually,

she was loud

but he chose not to listen.

10.48pm
6/1/2016

hati

kehadapan hati yang terlalu selalu mendengki,

janganlah dibuat hobi perangai suka membanding diri
dengan manusia lain yang zahirnya nampak bahagia tidak terperi
dengan manusia lain yang tanpa susah beroleh semua yang dihajati
dengan manusia lain yang punya bahu bahu buat air mata ditadahi
dengan manusia lain yang terlihat terlebih dikasihi
dengan manusia lain yang ada semua serba serbi

mohon bertenang wahai hati
sesungguhnya Allah maha tahu dan lebih mengetahui
tentang bila bahagia perlu diberi
dan masa kita pasti tiba nanti

maka dengan itu wahai hati
berhentilah mendengki.

10:59pm
5/1/2016

dikata

didiam dikata
dibuat dikata
ditulis dikata
dicakap dikata

lalu apa yang supaya tidak dikata?

tiada.

maka biarlah dikata.

#pahalapercuma

11:10pm
4/1/2016

little brother

to my one and only little brother,

i remember the day we were waiting for you at the house right after you were born. i was only 8 years old back then, i didn't know that having you was a very huge deal for both mama and bapa because all i knew was that i could finally have a brother after all these while getting surrounded by sisters.

you were one heck of a baby i tell you. you were cute and your skin was as fair as snow (as they told me what snow looks like). sometimes you would smile and laugh and sometimes you wanted a milk and you probably didn't know how to say that so you just cried your heart out until your lips turned blue. i thought you sure would want milk so badly at that time. but mama said you were sick. i didn't exactly knew how sick you were at that time but i was told that you were getting a surgery to stop you from crying so hard because turning your lips blue while crying might be dangerous for you. i didn't know what they did but one day you cried and it was not as hard as before, and your lips didn't turn blue anymore. and mama said you're not sick anymore. and i thought that was good.

everybody loved the baby you. that included me. i loved playing with you. i loved making the sisters jealous by saying you would only want to play with me and not with them because you'll only listen to me. i was overwhelmed and overjoyed because it was the first time the family had a baby boy in the house. we had quite a childhood memories together, remember?

and then you grow up. and bapa didn't want to hold your family back from getting in touch with you, so he told you the real thing and the situation. i thought bapa said you were old enough to understand and that you would eventually feel okay about that. but gosh, you were just 12, just a boy in the process of growing up. i do not know how exactly it feels like, but i do know it is somehow confusing and upsetting. you have two families with different beliefs. one that raised you and help you grow day by day. and one your biological family, who was having a hard time when you were born and eventually had to give you to us so that you can grow up well and healthy back then.

life is tough, little brother. i didn't blame you for being rebellious in growing up with such temptations and challenges among friends of your ages. you sure want to try everything a teenager would want to try. and then there's this family matter, in which i think would be pretty hard for your very young mind to process. im deeply sorry that sometimes we couldn't give you the love you need in order to grow up well in this world. im sorry that you have to grow up the way we did, and you don't have enough strength for that. im sorry you have to go through so much and there's nothing i could do to make you feel better. i tried, and im sorry if you think i was not trying harder. we all did try our best. we gave the very best we could give hoping that you would be happy being with us again, just like when you were little, a candy would make you so happy but i guess you're not that little anymore because it takes more than just a candy to win your heart again.

now that you're not that little anymore, i hope you can make your choices right. you can choose to go, but i hope you never choose to really leave. no matter what you say, i know you would eventually save a little space in your heart for us, because we're your family too. and i know you would say yes to that too. make your choices, but i hope you choose to stay in our path. i hope you'll remember every bits of things bapa told you about our Creator and worship Him all the way even when you choose to live with your family that has a different belief as you. you will probably find it hard at times, but i'll pray to Allah so He puts all His blessings for you no matter where you are so that you're safe and sound.

little brother,

no matter what your choices are, remember that you will always be loved by both of your family. always remember that we want nothing but all the good things for you. may Allah grant you things you have been looking for and may He never make you feel like you're empty inside because you have more than just things that could fill your heart. you have two families can you believe it? not everyone can have more than one family you know. some people don't even have one. eventually, at one point, i will always remember you as my little brother because you're the only little brother that i have in my entire life. and i kind of love that fact no matter what happened. near or apart, i only want you to be safe now. my prayers will go with you along the way, little brother. which ever way.

12:50am

4/1/2016