i got mad because i can't say all these to you

i might be really hurting now but i am somehow feeling relieved and grateful that you choose not to be with me right now.

my life is a total chaos at the moment. i'm constantly getting out of control emotionally. i got mad lots of times. i got mad for being the only one reliable on house chores in the family. i got tired. and i got mad again when people are not being able to understand why i'm exhausted. i am so sick of being expected to do everything all at once. it's hurting me to push myself to the point that i'm no longer able to take care of my own needs for being too busy taking care of others. 

my little brother is going away. i got mad at him because he chose to leave us. i got mad at him for not being a good son. i got mad because after everything bapa and mama gave him, he still chose to behave that way. and my sister too. i got mad because she got everything she wanted so easily. i got mad that she's sick. i got mad because i have to do everything because she's sick. i never got sick when people need my help. why do people have to get sick when i need their help? i got mad because i'm tired and i cannot get tired otherwise nothing would be done in the house and that would mean i would be the one to be mad at. i got mad at how easily people can get mad at me for the simplest reason of not getting some things done. i got mad how nobody ever really cares about how i feel.

i got mad because i'm still fat. i got mad for not being able to stick on any plan i had planned because i need to follow some other plans that was not planned by me. i got mad that i couldn't treat my skin properly. i got mad because my feet cracked. i got mad i couldn't do anything for myself. i got mad because i am so inconsistent to commit something for myself. 

i got mad because i got mad. i got mad at myself because i'm not being grateful for what i have and not willing to sacrifice even just a little. i got mad for being strong. i got mad for making people think i could do everything without getting tired. and then at the end of the day, i got mad again with myself for not being able to do everything that people want me to do perfectly. i got mad over and over again my head hurts.

i hope one day, when i got posted and start working and start making my own money, when i finally have time for myself to think of what i should do and what i want to do, i will eventually put all the pieces of me back together, because now i am feeling so lost and ugly. and no matter how badly i am hoping for you to come back at the moment to listen to my babbling about all the things happening now, i'd like to say thank you for leaving anyway. if you're still here, you might be an addition to the list of my madness too. 

i'll be mad all i want, whenever i want. and that's because i'm tired. because i'm human. and human feels. not because i want some people to vanish from my life. anger is a temporary feeling for me. it never lasts. at the end of the day, i would still want them to rely on me. i would still want my little brother and my little sister to exist and i would still want all the best things in the world for them. i would still pamper myself. i would still  forgive everything after i'm done getting mad. and at the very end of the day, i would still want you to come back to me.

i guess that's just the way i am.

12:00am

13/1/2016