untitled

Its amazing how much loves and attentions one can still give unconditionally when all they got in return is just hatred and ignorance conditionally.

Love makes you that capable, you know.

26/4/2016
9.15pm

ucap tanpa dengar

buat kamu,
yang ajar aku tahu malu
yang ajar aku apa tak perlu
yang ajar aku bersederhana selalu,

terima kasih atas setiap ajar
dan setiap tanya kabar
terima kasih juga saat beredar
nyata kau ajar satu lagi tentang sabar.

terbanglah dulu sejauh mahu
diam diam di sini aku tunggu.

dan sementara itu
selamat hari lahir buat kamu
ikhlas dari jauhnya aku..

11:47pm
7/4/2016

cerita cikgu #5

i wanted to cry today.

i walked out of the class feeling defeated today. i got upset with a little boy. i got mad at him for not wanting to do the task i gave him. he didn't talk back to me. so i asked him to do the work. minutes after, he came back to me asking for the answer. i got even angrier. on another note, i was already pissed before i entered the class because most of my students didn't passed the linus reading test. i was already miserable by then. and then things keep happening. the boy came to me and he told me that he can't find the answer because he can't read. i asked him to spell the word 'makanan' by the syllables. he can't even do that. and then another girl came. asking for the answers too. i could feel my head was about to blow up. the girl can't read too. she can't find the answer even after i told her to look for the same words in the passage to find for the answer. she can't do that too. i was heartbroken. its like the whole situation was telling me that i have not been doing my work right for the last two months since i started teaching.

i can't blame the kids. i know they wanted to do that right. i know they wanted to answer the questions right. i know they wanted to read all the things in that linus test right. i know they would if they could. 

but they couldn't. they just could not. they could not read. they still can't read. i got mad at myself for not going all out in teaching them. i got mad i just let all the teaching ideas stuck in my brain. i got mad thinking about how sometimes i couldn't find the time to check their work to look into what they did wrong. i got mad i didn't do my work properly. and now i feel bad for them about not getting the lessons they deserve to have. i was caught up with too many distractions from the things that i am supposed to focus on the most. i realized today i am not teaching the kids well. i can't get them to read. i can't even get them to know their syllables. 

what an eye-opening day. i got sad and upset and i feel defeated by all these feelings that i've been struggling on fighting all these while. it has totally caught me up. all i can do now is to wish that i can redeem all the time wasted for not getting the kids to learn their syllables all these while.

i just want the kids to be able to read. i won't ask for more..

11.12am

1/4/2016