congratulations you survived!

its my graduation day soon in november, and i just done getting tickets for mama bapa and adik to come with me on that day.

5 years and a half. all the tears, sweat and blood i shed in those 5 years time, i can still vividly remember. being away from the family, crushing myself over so many things and situations yet still standing and surviving strong just in time before i totally lost it all, those will be the most important details of my life. it was in the duration of time, where i learned about life the most. it was in those period of times, where i learned how to become so weak yet so strong. how to deal with life. how to win over life. how to live the life. 

i didn't make it to a perfect ending, but i made it anyway. i survived the 5 years and a half strongly even with all the bruises inside and out. and because of that, i know exactly just how strong i can be no matter what life is about to bring to me.

now that i'm standing where i am at the moment, id like to remind myself, that i need not to waste my time to explain to everyone about my struggles and what i had gone through in those bittersweet 5 years and a half time. my story need not to make it into the competition of who had gone through worse in life. just me knowing what i had gone through and how strong i had been all these while even without them knowing, is enough. i know exactly how to celebrate myself. i know exactly how much i've done, and how much acknowledgement i should give to myself. 

me being happy for myself is more than enough. and i honestly can't be any prouder of myself, for all the times i've survived and all the accomplishments i've accomplished. im doing well with life so far, and way further intended, i hope. 

congratulations nurul, you survived!

11:39pm

30/08/2016

...

i really miss talking to you. sometimes the feeling gets worse and it gets me teared up even when i refuse to cry. it doesn't work you know, getting myself busy and trying to fit everything in my schedule in a day just to get rid of the thought about you all the time. sad that it doesn't work. it doesn't work at all. you keep coming back in my thoughts at the end of the day when im physically and mentally drained after a long day of being busy, trying to get you off of my mind. and it gets even tiring sometimes. the worst part is that i cant tell anybody about how much i miss talking to you because nobody will ever understand. i cant just tell some random people about how much im struggling at the moment trying to be okay about the fact that you're no longer here to listen to me. i have so many things that i want to tell you about how my days have been and how much im hurting about so many things these past few months. i want to tell you every details of it, and above all, i want to tell you how much i long for you every time i cant seem to hold everything in any longer. and  that i always ended up sad, because i cant ever seem to reach you anymore..

no, im not done with being strong yet, but im also yet to be done with missing your presence in my life. 

And that is, by far, the most pathetic truth i have ever find out about myself. 

11:14pm

23/8/2016

hati rawan

wahai ayahanda bercukuplah menggagah tulang rapuhmu :'(

TIADA TAJUK.

im hurt too.

being shoved down my throat everytime about how much i have done wrong by making other people upset, it hurts me too. it hurts me that nobody is aware about how much im struggling too. to always be told that im the one that should say sorry hurts me too. its as if what im feeling is nothing compared to how upset people are because of me. 

im struggling too. im tired. and at the end of the day, everybody has somebody to run to and to tell about how much ive done bad. while im just here, sitting alone. trying to find other words than sorry to apologize. eating up my own sadness and depression, having nobody to talk to. 

ive said sorry, over and over again, to everybody. not once my sorry has ever seem to be valued. i guess i will always be the one pointed by any finger about everything that had gone wrong. everything will always be my mistakes. either because i have done it, or because i have not done it. it will always be my mistake.

i will always be the bad girl who is always making other people sad and upset. i will always be the one who should say sorry. i will always be in the wrong side of the world no matter what. because everybody else in the world matter. they are all important and valuable,

except me.

11:52pm

11/7/2016

manusia

kita ingat jahat orang buat pada kita
kita lupa jahat kita buat pada orang.

#klise

12:29am
10/7/2016

untitled

theres something beautiful about loving you in silence

i hear no rejection, at all.

12:02am
18/6/2016

ramadhan kareem

i died a million deaths, trying to live a million lives for you - Samantha King.

sayangnya tuhan pada aku, setiap kali aku kematian jiwa, didatangkan pada aku suasana damai bertuhan supaya jiwa aku lebih hidup untuk yang sepatutnya. masih terlalu awal untuk percaya bahagia bukan untuk aku. sesungguhnya sebaik-baik perjalanan adalah aturan tuhan yang maha tahu. matilah berputus harap, kemudian hiduplah semula, buka sayap. terbang dan lihatlah luasnya dunia tempat mencari bahagia. 

ramadhan kareem. 

semoga ramadhan kali ini membuka mata dan mendewasa aku. semoga sedihnya hati kerana dibenci diubati luasnya pintu rahmat dan nikmatnya kasih sayang tuhan tanpa sempadan. semoga hati kuat untuk bertaubat, semoga terbuka sekalian jalan kembali bertuhan. semoga sudah tengadah dengan segala dosa. semoga semakin baik segala galanya. amin ya allah.

8:22pm

5/6/2016

i want to write about a lot of things

but i never seem to have the time.

10/5/2016
10:20pm

untitled

Its amazing how much loves and attentions one can still give unconditionally when all they got in return is just hatred and ignorance conditionally.

Love makes you that capable, you know.

26/4/2016
9.15pm

ucap tanpa dengar

buat kamu,
yang ajar aku tahu malu
yang ajar aku apa tak perlu
yang ajar aku bersederhana selalu,

terima kasih atas setiap ajar
dan setiap tanya kabar
terima kasih juga saat beredar
nyata kau ajar satu lagi tentang sabar.

terbanglah dulu sejauh mahu
diam diam di sini aku tunggu.

dan sementara itu
selamat hari lahir buat kamu
ikhlas dari jauhnya aku..

11:47pm
7/4/2016

cerita cikgu #5

i wanted to cry today.

i walked out of the class feeling defeated today. i got upset with a little boy. i got mad at him for not wanting to do the task i gave him. he didn't talk back to me. so i asked him to do the work. minutes after, he came back to me asking for the answer. i got even angrier. on another note, i was already pissed before i entered the class because most of my students didn't passed the linus reading test. i was already miserable by then. and then things keep happening. the boy came to me and he told me that he can't find the answer because he can't read. i asked him to spell the word 'makanan' by the syllables. he can't even do that. and then another girl came. asking for the answers too. i could feel my head was about to blow up. the girl can't read too. she can't find the answer even after i told her to look for the same words in the passage to find for the answer. she can't do that too. i was heartbroken. its like the whole situation was telling me that i have not been doing my work right for the last two months since i started teaching.

i can't blame the kids. i know they wanted to do that right. i know they wanted to answer the questions right. i know they wanted to read all the things in that linus test right. i know they would if they could. 

but they couldn't. they just could not. they could not read. they still can't read. i got mad at myself for not going all out in teaching them. i got mad i just let all the teaching ideas stuck in my brain. i got mad thinking about how sometimes i couldn't find the time to check their work to look into what they did wrong. i got mad i didn't do my work properly. and now i feel bad for them about not getting the lessons they deserve to have. i was caught up with too many distractions from the things that i am supposed to focus on the most. i realized today i am not teaching the kids well. i can't get them to read. i can't even get them to know their syllables. 

what an eye-opening day. i got sad and upset and i feel defeated by all these feelings that i've been struggling on fighting all these while. it has totally caught me up. all i can do now is to wish that i can redeem all the time wasted for not getting the kids to learn their syllables all these while.

i just want the kids to be able to read. i won't ask for more..

11.12am

1/4/2016

cerita cikgu #4

one thing about teaching level 1 students is, no matter how bad they can make me mad, i'll always end up melting at the end of the day when they say goodbye to me in the most innocent way as if they have done nothing wrong, ever. 

such a smart trick to play with my heart.

8:18pm

30/3/2016

mati

mati aku,

kalau rasa ini tidak mati 

sampai aku mati. 

11:33pm
25/03/2016

untitled

deep inside

pagi tadi sebelum aku dihantar bapa pergi sekolah, mama selit teguran tentang cara aku berpakaian. jangan pakai yang ketat mengikut bentuk tubuh mama kata, sebab nanti bapa yang disoal di hari akhirat kenapa aku tidak sempurna dalam berpakaian.

memang aku tidak sempurna dalam berpakaian, jujur aku akui serendah rendah hati. tudung singkat alakadar menutup apa yang perlu ditutup. baju kadang lebar dan besar, kadang setakat muat dan kadang terlihat lemak belipat. stokin kaki tidak pernah pakai jari kaki telanjang tiada berlapik. sarung tangan apatah lagi. terbuka terselak kadang tidak terkisahkan pun.

bukan aku tiada perasaan nampak wanita seangkatan aku tertutup aurat dengan sempurna. aku pun masih ada rasa bertuhan dan cukup kasih untuk bapa biar tidak terlalu lama dihisab. kalau kira berapa kali skrol ig cari stokin sokha, sarung lengan bergaya, jubah jubah semua..tidak terkira agaknya berapa kali berniat tanpa terlaksana. tapi yang nyata, aku pun ada rasa mahu jadi sebaik baik wanita..

dan aku harap, bila semua jadi keras pada aku yang belum terlihat mahu berubah, biarlah aku bersangka baik dan berlembut pada diri sendiri yang masih melangkah bayi untuk mendekat pada sempurna. biar walapun sedikit, aku tidak mahu penat meraikan sekecil kecil baiknya perubahan pada diri aku.

terima kasih mama dan bapa. jauh manapun aku dari jangkau baiknya seorang wanita, tidak pernah terkurangkan kasih sayang dan doa penuh kebaikan dari mereka untuk aku. percayalah pada setiapnya yang menyentuh hati, semua aku ambil kira dan simpan kemas dalam kepala biar aku ini terlembut hati jadi wanita baik yang tertutup pada setiapnya walaupun masih jauh dan terlalu perlahan ke arah sempurna.

semoga nanti, beberapa masa kehadapan bila aku baca lagi apa yang tercatat pagi ini, aku sudah jauh lebih baik dari hari ini.

01/3/2016

8.26am

hari hari

dalam ratus ratus hari
yang sudah aku lalui sendiri
tidak ada walau sehari
tanpa kamu dalam kepala menari nari
dan tanpa aku tercari cari
cebis cebis disana sini
yang masih buat aku tersenyum sendiri

begitulah hari hari.

27/2/2016
10.32pm

cerita cikgu #3

its been a month now.

i think i have better classroom management skill in terms of being a real teacher now. i am now able to call them with their names and that obviously made them want to listen to me better. took me a month to be able to learn all their names except for year 1 as i only get to enter their class thrice a week. i used to remember all sorts of malay names when i was in my practicum days but now that im teaching in sabah and in chinese school, i come across all sort of names from the malay types to the chinese and indians, also dusunese and english names. the longest so far is Nataneialovella, 15 letters in one word name. she's my year 4 student and i always got my tongue twisted everytime i have to call her name and all the other students will have to correct my pronunciation. luckily she's a sweet girl. 

i love my work-mates aka the teachers too. the teachers are all being very helpful in terms of sharing tips on how to control some famous naughty kids around the school. we had a great chinese new year too. it was my first time watching the lion dance performance live, right in front of my eyes because the school invited the lion dance team to perform in the school area. i also got invited for the CNY dinner celebration. i guess teaching in the only chinese school in kota marudu makes me feel a little special and lucky because they always make me feel like i'm a part of them. they prepared a special table for us to provide us the halal foods. im well aware that there are probably more things and plot twists to come but so far i think i have the best people around my working and teaching area.

i have started my home-tuition too. im so lucky to have mama and bapa who gave the most support in me doing the things i have always wanted to do. they helped me find space for my little classroom in the house. angah provided me the tables too. i love spending time with the kids. it feels totally different with teaching in school. those who come to my tuition class are the ones who really want to learn. and that makes teaching them is a lot more fun and enjoyable. i found its tiring especially in the first week of doing this. but at the end of the day, im glad that im able to keep myself busy and enjoying the life of teaching to every bits of it while im still young and able. 

im trying my best to keep myself busy with works and teaching now. it helps me feel better about myself. in fact, im getting better in trying to feel better about myself now. i hope this will go a long way because i still have quite a distance to go through..

11.38pm

26/2/2016

dalam kepala

kalau lah 

isi kepala

seperti cat

boleh dicalit

boleh diabstrak 

boleh diconteng

diatas kertas
atau didinding

apa agaknya

rupa bentuk

kucar kacir 

serabut serabai

sesarat seberat

entah apa

dalam kepala

saat ini

apa agaknya.

11:05pm

14/2/2016

littlest things

 i wonder if you have the same dreams too.

cerita cikgu #2

i had quite an experience yesterday.

i thought the class was under control. everyone was doing their work while i was trying to find out who can't read among them. they were quite except for some of them who were taking turns  to sharpen their colours and some who wanted to go out to the toilet. i thought everything was okay and the kids were doing fine.

i honestly didn't see the stress coming until i heard someone said, 'teacher, dia birak' while pointed at someone at the back sitting just next to the wall. for a second i was panicking. i just looked at the kid without saying anything and i had already seen some 'things' coming down to the floor from the pants. it was also on his shoes. and then the sound of the other kids making the eww noises and laughing brought me back to the situation i was in now. i approached the kid and i gave him some wet tissues i got from my handbag (thank God i had it), and i asked him to wait for a while. as for the other kids, i warned them to stay quite. i went out and i saw a teacher. i asked her what to do because i was totally blurred. she helped me tell the cleaner aunt and the aunt told me to bring the kid to the toilet. then i asked the teacher who was teaching the class next to my class if they have any spare clothes. yes they have it.

when i got back to the class, the kid was already crying because the other kids were making fun of him. and i felt bad because i left him there being watched by all his friends just like that. so i got mad at the other kids and i guess i was quite terrifying when i scream because i actually made them completely quiet. then i brought the kid to the toilet and passed the spare clothes to the aunt. i got back to the class to make sure that the other kids were not turning the classroom into a circus. yes they did. but me coming in eventually stopped the circus. i started lecturing them about how they should not make fun of their friends and how it could happen to just any of them and how by that time, they would not want anybody to do the same thing as what they just did to their friend. they just nodded. i didn't know if they understand, but i feel better to have said what i wanted to say. 

as that was my first time confronting such situation, i felt really bad for the aunt because i could not handle the situation on my own. but i sure had learned something yesterday. and i had started to realize, that this is not practicum anymore. this isn't a practice anymore. back then during the practicum, whenever i was having a bad time in school, i would think about how many more days until everything end. but now things just won't work that way anymore. there's no end-date to this for the time being. this is not ending anytime soon. i got to be prepared for things like this to constantly happen especially year 1. i hope as time goes by, i'll find it enjoyable teaching these adorable little kids despite all the difficult sides i have to take part in. 

and oh. after the holiday, the selection for story telling will be held in all my classes. yes, including year 1 class. so lets just wait for cuteness overload / disaster overload (whichever comes first) on that day. 

welcome to next level now nurul.

8:14am

30/01/2016

cerita cikgu #1

so today the last period in my schedule of teaching was with year 2 Xiao for Bahasa Malaysia's lesson. ever since my day 1 of teaching, i was trying to get in the same tune as the kids so the way i teach will match the way they choose to behave in my class. i heard from several teachers about them, but i didn't really think that it would be that bad. i thought i had loud enough voice to make sure they listen to me. unfortunately i don't. i was talking about dealing with 48 kids. teaching a subject that i am not familiar with. and i have to enter this class for 10 periods 5 days a week. 2 periods for each. and 2 days in which the lesson takes place in the last period right before the school end. 

for now, i would say, this class is the most challenging class i have ever teach. even during my practicum, i had no experience in teaching level one students and i had no idea on how to deal with them energetic and powerful kids. plus, teaching in real life is seriously one whole different story with what ever things i had learned when i was in IPG and even during practicum. i could literally apply all the theories and method i learned but i guess it just doesn't work for kids who had already lose their focus after a long day and all they could think about is going back home. to make things even worse, their parents are waiting right on the outside of the classroom already waving their kids asking how their day was! gosh only allah knows whatever feeling i was feeling at that time i was like damnnnn how the heck am i going to keep my cool with these kids jumping and screaming around?! 

i remember laughing at myself just now after i screamed several times and it didn't get their attention at all. AT ALL. no wonder some of the teachers teaching level one students are using portable microphone during their lesson. now i understand. i should've ordered that thing too.

i had class with these little kids early in the morning once, and they were behaving real good on that particular hour. i was hoping that they can behave exactly the same way for the last two periods of my lessons. i hope this will only happen in my first week of teaching. i hope next week and the weeks after, it will get easier in time. i hope i didn't get demotivated by this. its a long way to go and i believe its a process of me learning too. 

i should really improve my teaching skills. and my voice. and my patience.

5:08pm

27/01/2016

hidup baru

alhamdulillah hari ini aku sudah kembali pada fikiran waras semula.

kalau minggu lepas minda aku bercelaru dan begitu terganggu dek  hasutan dan bisikan kata-kata nista lagi dusta sekalian syaitonirrojim, hari ini aku sudah bebas dari dibelenggu semua itu. kalau minggu lepas terasa darah muda menggelegak tidak mahu rasa bersyukur ditempatkan dekat dengan keluarga sebab mahu berjimba jimbo lagi dengan kawan-kawan yang ditempatkan bersama di bandar sana, hari ini darah sudah kembali normal kepada darah seorang dewasa yang sedia untuk bertanggungjawab kepada anak kampung sendiri dan seterusnya menjadi anak yang membahagiakan mama dan bapa sebaik mungkin.

dengan izin allah, semoga aku kekal bermomentum begini. semoga aku kekal berjiwa besar mahu mendidik anak-anak yang aku kira agak mencabar kewibawaan ku adakala. semoga aku kekal bersemangat waja mahu mendeko bilik di rumah dan meja ruang kerja aku di sekolah. semoga aku kekal sihat dan sejahtera untuk membahagiakan keluarga aku disini. semoga aku bertabah dengan proses belajar memandu untuk dapat lesen sendiri (sudah-sudahlah bapak sendiri jadi driver persendirian ish ish ish). dan akhirnya semoga aku terus kuat untuk melaksanakan semua perancangan sebaiknya. 

life will be more than just living now. its time to go out of the comfort zone..

setahun dari sekarang, aku harap aku tersengih lebar bila baca ini dan teringat betapa aku bermula dengan kosong dan masih merangkak mencari posisi terbaik dalam proses transisi kehidupan ini (dan mudah mudahan pada masa itu sudah banyak yang tercapai hendaknya).

11.48pm

25/01/2016

rasa

pernah rasa,

sudah dapat apa yang kita doa

tapi seperti bukan itu yang kita mahu

pernah?

pernah rasa,

berharap segala macam perkara

tapi diam-diam kita mahu sebaliknya

pernah?

pernah rasa,

rasa mahu rasa begini

tapi terasa begitu

pernah?

mahu guna sifir apa 

supaya tahu yang mana sebenarnya mahu dirasa?

atau lebih tepat lagi,

mahu bagaimana 

supaya cukup satu rasa saja?

12:13am

20/1/2016

tidak lagi

dulu aku pun begitu. setiap kali ada cerita panas membahang di media sosial aku pun turut sibuk memanaskan diri mengarang esei sepanjang-panjang tentang betapa betulnya apa yang aku fikir pada setiap isu-isu tersebut. kalau tidak esei pun mungkin seperenggan hujah sarkastik yang ditembak entahla tepat atau tidak pada sasaran. pada masa itu aku merasa sangat berkuasa dan berpengaruh bila setiap dua sen aku itu ada yang sokong dan setuju dengan mengelike dan meninggalkan tanda sokongan di ruang komen. terasa bagai ada yang sehati dan sejiwa dengan aku dalam menangani permasalahan dunia itu. tanpa risau tentang sebarang provokasi yang bakal tercetus, aku dengan bangganya akan kongsi semua isu-isu hangat berserta dengan hujah aku sendiri demi mencari siapa yang sependapat dengan aku dan menyokong aku. begitulah terpaksanya aku memancing perhatian manusia sekalian media sosial pada suatu ketika dulu.

sekarang bila sudah semakin besar dan semakin matang, atas nasihat orang dan pemerhatian aku sendiri, aku jadi sedar betapa tiadanya keperluan untuk itu semua. tiada sebarang kebaikan yang aku sumbangkan pada masyarakat yang bermastautin di media sosial sebagai pahlawan papan kekunci selain menambah bara api dan menyimbah minyak tanah pada yang sudah sedia terbakar atau yang hampir hampir terbakar atau yang tiada niat membakar tapi terbakar juga akhirnya. dari satu peringkat ke satu peringkatnya aku berjaya mengubah diri sendiri. daripada seorang yang suka mencari perhatian melalui provokasi dan segala macam perkara dikongsi yang tiada berfaedah di media sosial, kepada seorang yang hanya memerhati dan tidak merasa luak sedikitpun walau tanpa mengambil bahagian pada mana-mana perbincangan hangat di media sosial.

pun begitu, aku masih merasakan keseronokan membaca dan menonton drama-drama media sosial setiap kali ada isu baru yang perlu dibincangkang samada secara aman atau tidak aman. jelas terlihat kepelbagaian tahap pemikiran dan tahap matangnya seseorang itu melalui keberanian mereka mengekspresikan diri masing-masing terutamanya pada medium umum seperti media sosial yang mana hampir sebulat dunia boleh membaca dan menilai tulisan mereka tanpa sebarang justifikasi atau tapisan pada apa yang bakal mereka fikir tentang setiap individu yang terlibat.

dan setelah berakhir keseronokan menilai manusia lain sementah-mentahnya hanya pada apa yang mereka tulis, aku kembali pada menilai diri sendiri, dan akhirnya aku fikir perkara yang sama tentang apa yang orang akan fikir tentang aku pada setiap komen umum yang aku catat tanpa was-was pada umumnya media sosial. dan aku sedar betapa hodohnya cara manusia menilai manusia yang lain dan lebih bodoh lagi manusia yang membiarkan diri mereka dinilai manusia lain secara percuma. 

dan setelah itu aku tidak lagi menyerah kuasa itu pada manusia lain secara percuma. dan aku tidak lagi mengambil bahagian pada mana-mana isu yang tiada nilai untuk aku bahaskan.

dan ternyata lagi terbukti, hidup aku lebih aman dan bahagia pada setelahnya.

10:42pm

16/1/2016

cikgu

tahniah nurul.
sudah jadi cikgu.

segala puji bagi Allah.

selamat berkhidmat di negeri sendiri.
selamat membina hidup sendiri.
selamat mencari diri sendiri.

p/s : berbanggalah nurul. you have made it this far :')

11:48pm
15/1/2016

suatu yang pernah

dikutipku bila sudi, di bila tidak dibiar mati.

i got mad because i can't say all these to you

i might be really hurting now but i am somehow feeling relieved and grateful that you choose not to be with me right now.

my life is a total chaos at the moment. i'm constantly getting out of control emotionally. i got mad lots of times. i got mad for being the only one reliable on house chores in the family. i got tired. and i got mad again when people are not being able to understand why i'm exhausted. i am so sick of being expected to do everything all at once. it's hurting me to push myself to the point that i'm no longer able to take care of my own needs for being too busy taking care of others. 

my little brother is going away. i got mad at him because he chose to leave us. i got mad at him for not being a good son. i got mad because after everything bapa and mama gave him, he still chose to behave that way. and my sister too. i got mad because she got everything she wanted so easily. i got mad that she's sick. i got mad because i have to do everything because she's sick. i never got sick when people need my help. why do people have to get sick when i need their help? i got mad because i'm tired and i cannot get tired otherwise nothing would be done in the house and that would mean i would be the one to be mad at. i got mad at how easily people can get mad at me for the simplest reason of not getting some things done. i got mad how nobody ever really cares about how i feel.

i got mad because i'm still fat. i got mad for not being able to stick on any plan i had planned because i need to follow some other plans that was not planned by me. i got mad that i couldn't treat my skin properly. i got mad because my feet cracked. i got mad i couldn't do anything for myself. i got mad because i am so inconsistent to commit something for myself. 

i got mad because i got mad. i got mad at myself because i'm not being grateful for what i have and not willing to sacrifice even just a little. i got mad for being strong. i got mad for making people think i could do everything without getting tired. and then at the end of the day, i got mad again with myself for not being able to do everything that people want me to do perfectly. i got mad over and over again my head hurts.

i hope one day, when i got posted and start working and start making my own money, when i finally have time for myself to think of what i should do and what i want to do, i will eventually put all the pieces of me back together, because now i am feeling so lost and ugly. and no matter how badly i am hoping for you to come back at the moment to listen to my babbling about all the things happening now, i'd like to say thank you for leaving anyway. if you're still here, you might be an addition to the list of my madness too. 

i'll be mad all i want, whenever i want. and that's because i'm tired. because i'm human. and human feels. not because i want some people to vanish from my life. anger is a temporary feeling for me. it never lasts. at the end of the day, i would still want them to rely on me. i would still want my little brother and my little sister to exist and i would still want all the best things in the world for them. i would still pamper myself. i would still  forgive everything after i'm done getting mad. and at the very end of the day, i would still want you to come back to me.

i guess that's just the way i am.

12:00am

13/1/2016

gagah

hari ini
aku belajar satu perkara

tiadalah aku ini selain pemudah cara
memenuhi perlunya manusia lain kepada manusia yang lain
yang jauh lebih berkepentingan
dari setiap apa yang aku perlukan.

aku dahulukan keperluan mereka sedahulunya
aku belakangkan keperluan aku sebelakangnya
lalu pada setiapnya,
aku belajar bersabar sesabarnya.

dan dari satu sudut kejauhan, aku ternampak bayang aku yang gagah.

12:36am
11/1/2016

rindu diam diam

well actually,

she was loud

but he chose not to listen.

10.48pm
6/1/2016

hati

kehadapan hati yang terlalu selalu mendengki,

janganlah dibuat hobi perangai suka membanding diri
dengan manusia lain yang zahirnya nampak bahagia tidak terperi
dengan manusia lain yang tanpa susah beroleh semua yang dihajati
dengan manusia lain yang punya bahu bahu buat air mata ditadahi
dengan manusia lain yang terlihat terlebih dikasihi
dengan manusia lain yang ada semua serba serbi

mohon bertenang wahai hati
sesungguhnya Allah maha tahu dan lebih mengetahui
tentang bila bahagia perlu diberi
dan masa kita pasti tiba nanti

maka dengan itu wahai hati
berhentilah mendengki.

10:59pm
5/1/2016

dikata

didiam dikata
dibuat dikata
ditulis dikata
dicakap dikata

lalu apa yang supaya tidak dikata?

tiada.

maka biarlah dikata.

#pahalapercuma

11:10pm
4/1/2016

little brother

to my one and only little brother,

i remember the day we were waiting for you at the house right after you were born. i was only 8 years old back then, i didn't know that having you was a very huge deal for both mama and bapa because all i knew was that i could finally have a brother after all these while getting surrounded by sisters.

you were one heck of a baby i tell you. you were cute and your skin was as fair as snow (as they told me what snow looks like). sometimes you would smile and laugh and sometimes you wanted a milk and you probably didn't know how to say that so you just cried your heart out until your lips turned blue. i thought you sure would want milk so badly at that time. but mama said you were sick. i didn't exactly knew how sick you were at that time but i was told that you were getting a surgery to stop you from crying so hard because turning your lips blue while crying might be dangerous for you. i didn't know what they did but one day you cried and it was not as hard as before, and your lips didn't turn blue anymore. and mama said you're not sick anymore. and i thought that was good.

everybody loved the baby you. that included me. i loved playing with you. i loved making the sisters jealous by saying you would only want to play with me and not with them because you'll only listen to me. i was overwhelmed and overjoyed because it was the first time the family had a baby boy in the house. we had quite a childhood memories together, remember?

and then you grow up. and bapa didn't want to hold your family back from getting in touch with you, so he told you the real thing and the situation. i thought bapa said you were old enough to understand and that you would eventually feel okay about that. but gosh, you were just 12, just a boy in the process of growing up. i do not know how exactly it feels like, but i do know it is somehow confusing and upsetting. you have two families with different beliefs. one that raised you and help you grow day by day. and one your biological family, who was having a hard time when you were born and eventually had to give you to us so that you can grow up well and healthy back then.

life is tough, little brother. i didn't blame you for being rebellious in growing up with such temptations and challenges among friends of your ages. you sure want to try everything a teenager would want to try. and then there's this family matter, in which i think would be pretty hard for your very young mind to process. im deeply sorry that sometimes we couldn't give you the love you need in order to grow up well in this world. im sorry that you have to grow up the way we did, and you don't have enough strength for that. im sorry you have to go through so much and there's nothing i could do to make you feel better. i tried, and im sorry if you think i was not trying harder. we all did try our best. we gave the very best we could give hoping that you would be happy being with us again, just like when you were little, a candy would make you so happy but i guess you're not that little anymore because it takes more than just a candy to win your heart again.

now that you're not that little anymore, i hope you can make your choices right. you can choose to go, but i hope you never choose to really leave. no matter what you say, i know you would eventually save a little space in your heart for us, because we're your family too. and i know you would say yes to that too. make your choices, but i hope you choose to stay in our path. i hope you'll remember every bits of things bapa told you about our Creator and worship Him all the way even when you choose to live with your family that has a different belief as you. you will probably find it hard at times, but i'll pray to Allah so He puts all His blessings for you no matter where you are so that you're safe and sound.

little brother,

no matter what your choices are, remember that you will always be loved by both of your family. always remember that we want nothing but all the good things for you. may Allah grant you things you have been looking for and may He never make you feel like you're empty inside because you have more than just things that could fill your heart. you have two families can you believe it? not everyone can have more than one family you know. some people don't even have one. eventually, at one point, i will always remember you as my little brother because you're the only little brother that i have in my entire life. and i kind of love that fact no matter what happened. near or apart, i only want you to be safe now. my prayers will go with you along the way, little brother. which ever way.

12:50am

4/1/2016